


You've Got To Be Kitten Me

by CreativeBlockage



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Candlenights, Does Grammarly count as beta read?, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I'm broke, M/M, Not Grammarly Premium though, Podcast Level NSFW, Post-Canon, Pre-Established Ships Here, Rewrite & Continuation, Taako's constantly panicking, he hates cats, just jokes, no actual nsfw, will he still by the end? I don't know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29339856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativeBlockage/pseuds/CreativeBlockage
Summary: Taako has gotten the perfect Candlenights gift for Kravitz.Only, he has no idea how the cat got here.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Presents and Prep Work

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote and published the first two chapters of this in May. Quarantine killed me, so time to write a holiday fic in February! I have it all outlined, and I have more motivation, so here's hoping I'll do better now.
> 
> I'm going to try to update this regularly, wish me luck.

Taako was right and thoroughly fucked. In another context, this would have been the opposite of an issue, but unfortunately, this was not that kind of day.  
He wouldn’t even have time for that sort of activity, not when there was so much to do. It was Candlenights Eve, after all, and for the first time in too fucking long, he was hosting. It was his personal opinion that they couldn’t just save all of every existence with their re-found family and not get together for the holiday. They were all getting settled into what was hopefully their last round of new lives- lives without Reclaiming, lives without the Hunger, and that in itself was something worth celebrating.   
Plus, hosting gave him the motivation he needed to do things like empty out the boxes that had lined the hallway for seven and a half months now. The kitchen had been fully set up since the first week they moved in, but the rest of the house until now had been in an ‘unpack what you need’ sort of system. It was nice not having to rummage around for twenty minutes to find a specific book that had not found its way onto a shelf.   
To no one’s surprise, he was looking most forward to the cooking. It was the reason that almost no one had argued when he’d volunteered to host, after all. Lucretia had offered to bring everyone up to the Moonbase instead, but he was very much over office parties. The menu planning was downright therapeutic as he pieced together the dishes that he knew everybody enjoyed. He relished the memories that were once again his- a century of feeding those idiots made this easy. Magnus liked lamb stew, which was probably a side effect of that damned Rustic Hospitality. Davenport enjoyed that pan-seared mushroom dish he’d made when they had landed in New Fungston, during the eighth cycle. And, maybe, if he had time, he would make macarons. Sure, there were some new faces in their little family that he’d had less time to figure out- Carey, Killian, Angus, Mavis, Mookie- but he was pretty confident that he would be able to please them all; hell, he could please the Grim Reaper, they would be a piece of cake! That was the easy part.  
It was the aforementioned Grim Reaper that was the reason for most of his stress today.   
“Lulu, I’m being serious. This is important!”  
“Oh, really? You’ve only been bitching to me about this for a month and a half. I had no idea,” she replied, and Taako swore that he could feel his sister rolling her eyes. “Can’t- I mean, come on, can’t you just bake him something that he loves?”  
“I don’t have time for that- you’re coming over in a few hours and I have to start food prep! Besides, he knows that food is my go-to gift when I can’t think of anything else! Not that my food isn’t a baller gift.”  
“It’s your first Candlenights with Kravitz, hon. That man is in desperate need of some cliche fluff. Trust me on that. Also, it’s Candlenights Eve already, so you don’t have time to do much else. Go get him something cute.”  
“Alright, alright,” he grumbled. “See you in a bit, ‘kay?” With that, he put down his Stone of Farspeech, groaning as he rested his head in his hands. Already this shopping to ‘pick up a few missed ingredients’ had gone on twenty minutes too long, and Kravitz would be getting suspicious soon. He was Taako, the opposite of cliche… but, just this once, he would have to settle.   
Defeated, he hurriedly walked down the street, glancing into shop windows in the hopes that something would catch his eye. The storefronts of Neverwinter were all dolled up and decorated for the holiday, displaying their finest cuts of meat or their best sales to be found inside. Nothing was screaming his boyfriend’s name. What did you buy for a reaper? An engraved scythe? Sure, he’d asked both Lup and Barry the same question a month ago, but they were both too new to the whole thing to provide a helpful answer. He didn’t want to get him something that had to do with work anyways. Kravitz was way too invested in it, to the point where he had felt guilty asking for two days off to celebrate Candlenights.   
Finally, a shop window caught his eye that reminded Taako of something else about his boyfriend. The shop was small, tucked neatly in between a book store and a nondescript office building. Unlike some of the surrounding shops, it wasn’t getting much business in the ways of last-minute shopping. The window display had holly and berries dripping from shelves, with various hand-carved instruments displayed on them. There were flutes, various percussion instruments that Taako couldn’t name- scratch that, he did not know most of the instruments displayed in the window. However, through the window, Taako could see exactly what he was looking for. See, Kravitz had been a bard. More specifically, he had been a cellist. And a beautiful, black cello was sitting inside.  
Sure, the guy had never mentioned wanting to pick up a bow again, but it would do that man some good to get a hobby for himself. Maybe it would even give him a reason to come home early- or, rather, on time instead of working late. So there, he had it. This was the perfect gift, and self-doubt be damned, he was going to stick with it.   
Of course, his moment of celebration was short-lived. As he reached for the handle of the shop’s door, he felt his Stone of Farspeech vibrating in his pocket. It was probably just Magnus, asking what side to bring to the party, although that was a waste of time, as he always brought pasta salad. He slid the stone out of his pocket, holding it to his ear.  
“You’ve reached cha’ boy Taako, who’s calling?”  
“Taako?”  
Oh. So Kravitz had finally realized how long he’d been out. “Hey, babe, something wrong?”  
“Just checking in. How’s it going out there?”  
“Well, you know how the lines are this time of year- I’ll be home soon. Do you need anything while I’m out?”  
“Not at all- well, actually…” Kravitz fell silent for a moment- an uncomfortable, pressing silence.  
“Yeah?”   
“Well, you see… your, um… your Candlenights gift for me- it kind of escaped.”   
“Whatcha mean, babe?” Taako did his best to keep his voice calm, not wanting his confusion or nervousness to show in any way. What was Kravitz talking about? Maybe it was a 'get out of jail free' card for him.   
“I meant the cat, of course. I didn’t think you would ever cave on that, but Taako, she is so sweet!”  
“Oh- right, of course- happy early Candlenights, it’s- it’s a cat! Yep! Well, anyway, I’m on my way home- I’ll see you soon, Bones.” Before Kravitz could reply, he ended the call, taking a deep, much-needed breath. Kravitz hadn’t caught onto his panic, which was definitely a plus, but a cat?  
How the hell did a disgusting, shedding, asshole of a cat get into their house?  
Taako hated cats. Despised them, actually. He liked birds, or maybe a fish, but a cat? That was a thing to take care of- and they weren’t even nice about it! They always needed attention, and they thought that they were the best thing since baked bread.   
Sure, Kravitz wanted the cat- he’d not-so-subtlety hinted at getting one- but who was going to be the one around to feed it? To clean up after it? Who would have to constantly brush its hair off of his robe- actually, Kravitz wore black, so he had it just as bad there. Still, Taako would have to end up taking care of this dumb thing that couldn’t take care of itself.   
But, hey, at least he didn’t have to impulse buy a goddamn cello.

~~~  
  
True to his word, Taako made it home just over ten minutes. Annoyed as he was about the intruder, he had many mouths to feed, and if they were going to start eating at a reasonable hour, he had to get to work. Still, he supposed that he couldn’t ignore the fluffy rat entirely.   
The search for the little criminal was short, ending just steps later. As he peeked into the living room, he found his boyfriend settled in the armchair with a small white cat curled up in his lap. It was the picture of serenity- the festive yet classy decorations, the fire crackling, and Kravitz half asleep, head resting against the back of the chair as his supposed Candlenights gift dozed on top of him. Who would have thought that someone who dealt with death for a living could be so disgustingly domestic?   
He must have made too much noise coming in, as Kravitz raised his head, blinking slowly. “Oh- didn’t mean to fall out. Did you get everything that you needed?”   
Taako cleared his throat, nodding quickly. “Yup- yeah. Of course I did. So, I see the two of you have gotten acquainted.”  
“We have indeed. So, what’s her name?”  
“Come again?”  
Kravitz raised an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth turned up ever so slightly with amusement. “Her name. They come with names at shelters, no?”  
“Oh, right, um-” He certainly was not the best at coming up with this shit on the fly, but hopefully this time proved to be different. “…Sour Cream!”  
Oh no. Sour Cream? How did he have a boyfriend that loved him? Thankfully, Kravitz took it in stride, laughing softly with that ever-charming laugh of his. “Sour Cream? Alright, then. A little different, but she’s wonderful, Taako. Thank you.”  
“Of course, honey. Okay, I’ll let you nap before the company arrives- the food is much safer with you as far away from it as possible.” He lingered in the doorway- yes, he would have loved to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s forehead, but he was in no way, shape, or form getting anywhere close to that thing.   
“I promise, I’ll stay away from the kitchen this time. Call me if you need help, though, alright?”  
“I most certainly won’t, you water-burner. Sleep well, babe.” Taako gave Kravitz a smile before turning away. After all, this food wasn’t going to cook itself. 


	2. Mac & Cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako can' t catch a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, fellas! A lot's happened since I last posted. My mom tested positive for Covid, which sucks, but she's doing alright. I've also been listening to a lot of The Magnus Archives and boy are there traumatized British people there. Anyways, don't want to keep talking like this is a recipe vlog, you're here for Taako and cat antics, no? 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! I've decided to try and update this every Wednesday.

At long last, Taako was in his comfort zone. He had a list of things to do a mile long, but that was fine. The biggest problem of his day had been solved, and now he just had to focus on being the abso-fucking-lutely perfect chef that he was. Easy. He wanted to get started on the dishes that took a while to cook first- for one, the five-cheese macaroni and cheese he was making for the kids. He knew for a fact that Angus loved that, and Merle’s kids would have to like it, right? If they didn’t, they were broken children. He had raided multiple stores to find some high-quality cheeses- this was a brand new, Taako Taaco original recipe, and he was pulling all the stops.  
He got as far as filling the pot with water when he tripped on something in his way, spilling water all over the counter. “What the- you.” Snaking around his feet and pressing close to his legs was that damn cat, apparently trying to kill him and flood his kitchen at the same time. “Oh, no, you’re not staying here,” he muttered, trying his best to gently push Sour Cream away with his foot. It walked all of two feet away before choosing to curl up right in front of the stove. Little asshole. Grumbling, he got a dishrag to mop of the mess he’d made with the water.   
“I don’t know what Kravitz sees in you. You’re terrible.” Once the counter was clear, he refilled the pot, this time carefully stepping around Sour Cream. “I just mopped the floor, so if you think you’re getting handouts, you’re wrong. I’m feeding thirteen people, and you ain’t one of them.” With that he turned, moving to deal with the important part of this macaroni and cheese. In a saucepan, he threw in some chopped onions, flour, salt, pepper, and milk, beginning to whisk. Once again, Sour Cream decided to come and investigate, slinking around his legs and meowing loudly. “You have no taste- there’s nothing good in here yet!” He wished cats knew Common. It would make this a whole lot easier.  
Before long, he was ready to add the grated cheeses into the saucepan. He turned to grab one of the bowls he had sorted out, only to hear the soft sound of something hitting against the cabinet behind him. Somehow, the cat had managed to jump high enough to climb onto the counter. Seriously, was this cat part of a fucking gymnastics team? “Oh, no you don’t,” he grumbled, quickly placing the bowls down to keep Sour Cream away from the stove. “If you don’t stop, I’ll let you burn your paw, I do not care!” With one arm, he held back the feral thing, who wanted nothing more than to take a bath in cheese sauce, apparently, pouring in the cheese with another. He was Taako, he could do this stuff one-handed, no problem!  
Just because he could do it didn’t mean that he wanted to, though. He also didn’t feel like using Mage Hand to stir this pot. It was too jerky and would make a mess. However, magic wasn’t a terrible idea. Slipping his wand from his pocket, he focused for a moment before casting Sleep on Sour Cream. Almost instantly, the cat curled up. How long did that spell last again? He hadn’t cast it successfully in a good long time. Hopefully long enough for him to finish this Mac & Cheese and get started on everything else. He’d managed to get most of his cooking done for the actual meal yesterday- things just needed to be reheated. Today was mostly just the appetizers.  
As he cooked, he felt a rant was in order. He didn’t want all of that negativity going to his dish, after all. Thankfully, he’d upgraded his Stone of Farspeech, and had gotten one with the brand new Speakerstone setting. He stepped away for a moment to call up his sister for the second time today. 

~~~

“Alright, listen. Okay? Listen. I love Kravitz. You know this. But I don’t know if I can handle...” He gestured in the general area of the now-sleeping cat although Lup couldn’t see him. “How am I supposed to cook? This cat is like Magnus, only it doesn’t know I’m scolding it!”   
“Calm down, calm down. First of all, your new cat isn’t an ‘it’.”  
“Well, I’m not checking to see what it- what they are!”  
“I- alright, secondly, you’re telling me this cat just… ended up in your house?”  
“I was out trying to buy a gift for Krav, and he just called me saying that my 'gift' for him escaped! I don’t know how the fuck this thing got into my house!”  
“You probably left a window open or something, and the little fleabag crawled in to get out of the cold. It’s rather sweet that you’re taking them in, actually.”  
Taako fell silent for a moment, a new realization dawning on him. This thing had crawled in from the street, it probably had fleas or worms or something! There was no way he was letting fleas in here. They were tiny bugs from fantasy Hell that got everywhere, and there was no possible way he was going to let this go unchecked.   
“Right. So Lup, listen. You and Barry have to get here fast and cover for me. I have to sneak out for a few minutes- I trust you to check on what’s cooking more than anyone else coming over. I’ll be gone like ten minutes, tops.”  
“If you need to pick something up, I can just bring it over, doofus. Didn’t you already get the groceries you needed?”  
“No, no, we’re going to the vet right now- and I guess I need to pick shit up for the cat too. They need a place to sleep and stuff to eat, right?”  
It was Lup’s turn to be silent for a moment. “…right. Right, okay. Not a problem. Barry and I can talk about work or whatever. Just don’t stay out too long, you dingus, got it? We’ll be there soon.”  
“Right. Thanks, Lulu. You’re a lifesaver.”  
“Yeah, yeah. I’m used to it.”

~~~

Taako was working double-time now, trying to get as much done as he possibly could before Lup and Barry came over. The challenges with today kept coming, but, with the people involved, was he even surprised? He’d only had another five minutes or so of peace before he was interrupted by another phone call. At least it was one that was both predicted and sorely needed.   
“Hey, I’ve been trying to get through to you for a while. So I was wondering if you needed any sides-”  
“Maggie, the pasta salad can wait, I need your help.”  
“Oh- what, is everything okay?”  
“You… you like dogs, right?” Of course Magnus Burnsides liked dogs- he was working on opening a school for training dogs, and he’d talked about them near constantly for a century! Taako firmly believed that Magnus would have been completely okay with the whole ‘dying and reforming on the Starblaster every year’ gig they’d had if a dog had managed to find its way on board. Cats were just dogs with narcissism, right?  
“Well, yeah, I-”  
“Natch, I’m going to need you to grab one of those dog carrier things you probably have and bring one over. A small one. Sound good?”  
“I mean, yeah, but why?” Magnus gasped. “Are you giving someone a dog?”  
“Magnus-”  
“Oh, that’s so cool- oh, is it Ango?”  
“Magnus-”  
“Wait- are you getting me a dog? I just assumed you would give me some cookies or something, like last year-”  
“Magnus, I’m not getting you a dog.”  
“Aww…” Taako almost felt bad as he could hear the guy’s excitement deflate. “Wait, so, why do you need the travel crate?”  
“Just bring it over, okay? We’re going on a mission.”  
“A mission, huh? Just like last Candlenights.”  
That Candlenights had been something else. Merle had almost died, Taako had met his boyfriend, not to mention, you know, saving the world. Again. It had certainly been an interesting mission, but maybe he was biased, seeing as the relic was the one he’d created.   
“Oh, well, sorry to disappoint, but you’re not going to be cutting off any arms this year. You know any vets open on Candlenights Eve?”  
“As a matter of fact, I do! I was just on the phone with them yesterday, talking about a partnership, and they told me-”  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll see you soon, alright?”  
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll be there in, like… fifteen minutes.”  
“Good, good. See you soon, Maggie.”

~~~

He knew that the secrecy wasn’t necessary. He was sneaking a cat out to the vet, he wasn’t having an affair. But he needed Kravitz to relax, and he would either argue that he was coming along or would try to convince him that this all could wait until after Candlenights. Neither of those options were satisfactory. So, if Kravitz didn’t know he was out, then it was for the best. 

Now, all he had to do was wait for people to begin to arrive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The other day, my teacher gave me a thumbs up for answering a question right and I nearly cried so seriously, if you literally commented the word 'nice' you would make my day. This is not an exaggeration. 
> 
> Stay safe, fellas!


End file.
